SI
by Fresh C
Summary: What does SI stand for? I'll give you a hint. It's the quickest way to ruin a story and every amateur author's personal wet dream. Someone should talk me out of this... but I'm too far gone to listen.
1. Chapter 1

On a warm humid day in August I decided that Makoto Hyuga would die.

Makoto rose swiftly from his bed at the sound of his alarm as always. In a deliberate motion he pulled the blankets from his body and allowed the cool air conditioning of his apartment to penetrate his defenses. For a moment his mind froze as low as the temperature of the room. He didn't want to get up and face his empty apartment. He had even less desire to go to work. But then an image fluttered into his mind: a raven haired women in her trademark red jacket looking directly into his eyes and smiling. This phantom memory was compelling enough to complete Makoto's transition toward awareness.

The cold tile of the bathroom floor was murder on his bare feet. It was a wonder that Makoto had never thought to close the vent on the wall that pumped out the cold air each morning. After showering quickly and brushing his teeth, Makoto dressed himself and headed for the door.

He didn't own a car, a point which Shigeru had no problem mocking him about. It seemed that Makoto was the only technician without one. His lack of transportation usually didn't bother him seeing as he could get around just fine by public transit. Only when Shigeru brought up the subject did it make him feel uncomfortable. It made him feel like he didn't belong.

The bus ride to headquarters was largely uneventful. Makoto used the time to go over some statistical data from the last angel encounter. He was already familiar with the material, but it didn't hurt to be extra prepared for the staff meeting scheduled that morning. He didn't have as much to present as some one like Maya, but his performance in meetings were his most important job function, asside from providing support during attacks.

As the bus neared his stop, Makoto shuffled his papers into the manila folder and exited the vehicle. The streets and sidewalks were relatively empty as always. The area surrounding NERV was seldom trafficed by anyone except for NERV employees. It didn't bother Makoto too much. He liked being alone, usually. He just wished it wasn't all the time.

Soon Makoto entered NERV premises. Again, he took the time to examine his notes as he walked through the deserted corridors. It never hurt to be over-prepared. Besides, the papers provided excellent cover for him to slightly peer over and observe any approaching traffic in the hall. This way he would have ample time to see someone approaching and come up with an appropriately phrased greeting.

For example, if say… Major Katsuragi was walking toward him, Makoto could peer over his notes and discretely examine her from a distance. He would look at her face. Observe the dutiful, smiling expression she always donned when in the presence of colleagues. He could admire her long well kempt hair, and neat pressed uniform (the vibrant red color of which made her natural radiant presence stand out that much more from any other employee of NERV). He would quietly scan her appearance for any sign of change. Perhaps she would have straightened her hair. She'd done that on a few occasions before. It was a look she wore particularly well. And if such a change had occurred on this day, Makoto would not miss the chance to complement her, as he had in the past. He would say (politely, yet confidently), "Good Morning, Major. Did you do something with your hair?" And seeing that he was taking a kind, professional, and completely un-creepy interest in her, she would tell him that, yes she had made an alteration to her appearance. Then Makoto would respond by saying (in a bold, yet sweet manner), "It looks very nice on you." Misato would be pleased, as most people are when complemented. Why would she not be? And she would smile at him a real smile, not the one she gave so easily to any business associate in a beige not-quite-military suit. She would thank him earnestly. Perhaps with a hint of a blush (though not from embarrassment). Then the two of them would walk together to the meeting, conversing lightly the rest of the way.

If such a situations were to arise, Makoto would be ready. But as it turned out, his careful planning was of little use today. He saw Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya walking well ahead of him down the long hallway that lead to the conference room. He could hear the sound of their voices and footsteps drifting back towards him. Misato was laughing at something Maya or, more likely, Ritsuko had said. He wondered how it felt to be so closely related to his superiors that he could share a laugh with them from time to time. He used to report directly to Ritsuko before Maya became her unofficial go-between. Even then, he had never shared a personal relationship with the doctor… or the major, for that matter.

Makoto buried his head in his notes and tried to ignore them. Maybe he actually did have more note studying to do than he previously thought. Maybe he was embarrassed by the sudden wave of jealousy he felt. Whatever the reason, he increased his concentration as he prepared for the meeting.

The conference room housed the usual crowd. The commander and sub-commander sat behind everyone, looming over them all from the raised seating in the back. Maya, Ritsuko, and Misato stood at the center of the room, no longer talking amongst themselves. Though their posture and mannerism suggested a professional openness that they lacked as they conversed in the hallway, Makoto didn't feel quite up to joining their group. Instead he stood next to Shigeru, who made a point of standing as close as reasonably possible to Maya and as far away from the three pilots as he could. It was rather rare for the pilots to be involved in a briefing unrelated to an angel attack, but the adoption of an experimental synchronization method was no small undertaking, and the pilots' input was required. With all the members assembled, the sub-commander opened up the meeting.

Ritsuko began by presenting what she called a "brief rundown" of the synchronization system. Throughout the entirety of this 20 minute presentation, Maya stared up at Ritsuko with something akin to admiration. She soaked in each word the doctor said, as if she hadn't already memorized the details of the project to a degree that reached dangerously close to obsession. Though, Makoto reluctantly admitted to himself, maybe he only saw her natural understanding as obsession because he comprehended so little of the project himself. The changes in synchronization all took place at a biological level implemented within the Eva units themselves. Makoto's responsibilities started and ended with data collection and maintenance/monitoring of the Magi. None of these tasks were directly related to the biological modifications that Ritsuko rambled on about. Data on synchronization would still be recorded in the same way, and since the system had not been implemented yet, the data itself had not changed.

Naturally Makoto's attention drifted throughout the presentation. He went over the various different ways he would reiterate the point that nothing would change as far as data collection with the Magi was concerned. It was a presentation that could be made in a single sentence, but he would stretch it out to at least five minutes, in order to ensure that everyone understood how thoroughly he had examined the situation. He was positive no one would be impressed by the depth of useless information he would provide, but it would ensure everyone in the room that his findings were accurate. He knew he was no Maya Ibuki, but he competent at least.

"Mine Gott, how long is this going to take?" Asuka almost whispered to Shinji. The only people who might not have heard her were the Commander and Sub-Commander, both because of their position in the room and the bad hearing that came with old age. "Why do we even have to be here? I don't care what they do to the machines as long as I can fight in them."

Shinji pretended not to hear her as Maya threw the two of them a highly annoyed glance. Quite a rare sight for Maya, Makoto noted. It was odd to see her so flustered, considering how mild mannered she normally was. In fact, it was hard to picture her angry at anyone. Even Asuka, normally beyond reproach, found the sight compelling enough to quiet down. She made the strangest face of shock, before turning back toward the projector screen. Like she was standing in a shower that suddenly ran cold.

Makoto couldn't help but chuckle silently at the situation. The impassive Maya Ibuki glaring angrily and the proudly brash second child turning timidly away. On a whim, he looked past Maya toward Misato and saw that she was containing laughter as well. For a single moment in time, Makoto looked into Misato's eyes and understood that she had seen the same thing as him and responded the same way. They were not just two people holding back laughter, but people holding back laughter _together_.

Makoto's heart beat faster. He could feel the blood pressure rising in his body. He stared at the Major in shock, feeling almost embarrassed by how excited sharing this moment with her made him. His pulse rose within his body. Beat after beat, coming faster and faster. He could feel his heart straining with effort. Every vein in his body pushed against his skin and muscle with each pulse. He felt his muscles contracting involuntarily. His jaw locked. His toes curled. His eyes bulged. Yet he continued to stare at Misato. Her horrified face stared back.

The pressure built. Misato was saying something, probably yelling it, but he could not hear her. He lost his balance and fell to the floor. She pushed past Maya and Shigeru and stood over him. She looked into his face, her mouth moving frantically. Saying words he couldn't comprehend. He wished he had control over his body. He wanted to tell her, "You're doing this to me. You made me feel this way." But he did not blame her at all. He loved her. If love meant feeling this way, then he was happy with it.

But then the pressure increased further. Makoto could no longer feel love for her. He could not see her at all. The pain was too great. It was all he knew. Pain in his arms and legs and hand and face. Pain in his stomach, his lungs, and heart. Increasing pain. Building pain. Growing and conquering all senses. Erasing Makoto. Filling him. Taking over until…

It declined. The pain began to retreat. Everything still hurt, but less and less each second. He felt his thoughts returning. An understanding that something completely unrelated to Misato Katsuragi had happened to him. Understanding that frantic words were being exchanged in his presence. He realized that images were forming in front of him. Shigeru kneeling next to him, holding the shirt he used to be wearing firmly to his neck as he lay on his side. Maya and Ritsuko's feet standing at the Magi access terminal, typing at the console furiously.

"Blue pattern scan complete," said Maya. "No angel presence detected."

Ritsuko made a response, but Makoto didn't hear it. His attention turned to Misato who knelt next to Shigeru. Her jacket was covered with a random pattern of darker red splotches. Makoto could only assume they were blood.

"He's awake!" she said. Her cheeks were tinged pink (but not in embarrassment). They too were smeared with hastily wiped off blood. "Ritsuko, He's awake!"

The doctor continued to tap away at the console and did not respond.

"What happened," Makoto asked?

"Don't worry, lieutenant, the medics are on their way." It hurt that she called him by rank in a situation like this.

"Everything's going to be alright, Man," said Shigeru sounding as if he truly believed every word.

The pain had decreased greatly. Makoto moved his arm a little. Misato moved to restrain him.

"Don't move yet," said Shigeru.

Makoto said, "I think I feel better."

To demonstrate this he moved his hand and grabbed at the shirt Shigeru was holding firmly to his neck. Before anyone could protest, he took the shirt from Shigeru and pressed it firmly to what he assumed was a wound.

"Why am I bleeding?"

The short answer was, no one knew. One moment he was standing watching the presentation. The next he was on the ground writhing as a stream of blood shot from his neck. The pressure from the shirt was the only thing keeping him from bleeding to death. No one knew what the heck was taking the medics so long.

Misato jokingly suggested that somebody on the medical staff was going to get fired for this. Only her face was serious. And she wasn't joking. She kept her eyes on Makoto and his neck, staring at him with a mixture of fear, concern, and sympathy. It made him feel remarkably stupid.

"I'm going to get up," he said. After assuring Misato and Shigeru that he felt much better than he looked, they consulted Ritsuko. She paused long enough from her frantic typing to give the okay. An elevated position would help deter blood loss.

Makoto was half walked and half dragged to his feet and into a chair. He cocked his head to the side, pointing the area of blood loss toward the ceiling. Realizing that his new position did nothing to alleviate his feeling of embarrassed stupidity, he decided to survey the mess he made.

Hardly a single person in the room had escaped the shower of blood that crept from his neck. Not even the commander and sub-commander were completely dry, as a slight spray misted onto their pant legs and shoes. He was surprised to see, that even the children had stayed in the room. Though probably not out of concern. Most likely they were too shocked to leave on their own. They stood a couple feet off from where Makoto stood, talking quietly among themselves. Each looking frightened, but trying to convince each other with words that everything would be okay. Rei Ayanami spoke to the others only when questioned directly. Otherwise she kept her eyes trained on Makoto intently, as if she expected the blood to abruptly start spraying again.

"Some mess, Man," said Shigeru drawing his attention. Makoto was glad for the distraction from Rei. She was making him nervous… and he found her eyes to be kind of creepy. "You better clean it all up when you're feeling better."

"I'll get a mop and be right on it," said Makoto.

I smirked a little because I knew he wouldn't do it. They had cleaning staff for that.

"We have cleaning staff for that," said Misato in a fake serious tone. She wanted to help lighten the situation. I think she's a kind person or at least she wants to be. "I'm more worried about the physical state of Lieutenant Hyuga here. I've seen a lot of things in my time, but I never thought I'd see a man burst an artery from holding back laughter."

Makoto laughed harder than he should have. It wasn't that funny but he had finally caught her eyes again. It was nice that they were laughing together.

"Oh geeze," said Shigeru. "You start that up and we'll be swimming in you, Man."

Makoto continued to laugh. He felt a heck of a lot better. The pain was completely gone. He couldn't even feel the wound at his neck any longer. Instead he felt remarkably light and airy. Though he still felt faintly embarrassed by the situation, it was nice to have companions at a time like this. Something like friends.

Rei Ayanami gasped loudly and pointed. Misato followed her finger to the bottom of Makoto's right leg, where a fresh pool of blood was forming.

"Damnit, Ritsuko he's bleeding again," she yelled. Without waiting for instructions she pulled up his pant leg as high as it could go. A jet of blood spewed out, covering her forearms. Before she could say a word, Ryoji Kaji handed her his recently discarded shirt and shouted loudly, "What the hell?"

He was not invited to this meeting. No one saw him enter the room.

Misato pressed the shirt against his leg to stop the flow. Makoto felt no physical pain. He was very much afraid.

"It stopped," said Shigeru. "Everything's going to be okay."

Not a fraction of a second later, Rei Ayanami gasped and said, "His waist!"

Blood flowed freely from Makoto's left side, soaking his beige pants into a deep reddish-brown. Shigeru rushed to add pressure his hip.

"I don't feel anything," said Makoto. "I can't feel anything at all."

"What's happening?" asked Asuka looking to Kaji for answers he had no ability to give. He ignored her and looked around franticly. He barely knew where he was.

"OH God!" said Misato. Blood flew from an artery on the other side of Makoto's neck. Then his fingertips. Then his temples.

Ritsuko looked back briefly, then continued typing on her console with renewed vigor. She was making no progress. She didn't think she would.

Maya stared and stared and then abruptly covered her eyes and screamed.

Misato, Shigeru, Kaji, and sub-commander Fuyutsuki played a hectic game of "plug the hole" on Makoto's body. Whenever a leak was found and pressure added, another sprung up on a different place.

Shinji would not look. He found a wall interesting. He put in his headphones, but forgot to turn on his SDAT. Even without the music, he found it easy to convince himself he wasn't hearing the screams. Asuka was yelling at him with her back turned away from the tragedy. She said he was a coward for not helping. Why wasn't he trying to help?

"Why, why, why?" asked Makoto.

"I don't understand," said Rei, with tears in her eyes. They were not talking to each other or even about the same thing.

Maya continued to scream. She clawed at the door handle which I would not allow to open. She banged on the door as if hoping to break it down.

"You're worthless!" yelled Asuka. "Get up you coward, get up!"

She was crying as well. She beat at Shinji's back mercilessly as her body shook with sobs.

"It doesn't hurt?" said Makoto. Not a single person responded.

"… Everywhere," Shigeru muttered. He was referring to the blood.

Misato swore quietly to herself. A varied stream of almost lyrical cursing, that made absolutely no sense. Fuyutsuki didn't speak. Neither did Kaji. He was too busy to be utterly confused. They all had their fingers covering as many holes as possible. They could do nothing about most of the leaks beneath his clothing.

Ritsuko calmly stated, "The human body does not contain that much blood." When no one responded, she said, "The medics should be here by now." Then she violently threw up.

Commander Ikari and Rei Ayanami's eyes met. Both were completely floored by the expression on the other's face.

"I feel cold," said Makoto.

Shigeru said, "Everything's going to be okay, Man." His tone was just as reassuring as before. No one believed him.

Shinji's back hurt.

Maya curled up in a ball on the floor and whimpered.

Kaji looked up at Makoto's face and instantly looked away.

Fuyutsuki took his hands away from Makoto's body and sat roughly on the floor. Several more fountains of blood came into existence. The old man cradled his head in his wrinkled hands. He knew a lost cause when he saw one.

"I liked you," said Makoto to Misato. Misato stiffened as he spoke to her, but would not look at him at all. "I wanted to tell you."

Makoto's soft voice barely registered over the stream of unintelligible gibberish Asuka was yelling at Shinji as she pummeled his back.

"I was just afraid to say it because I knew it would amount to nothing."

Misato was silent.

"Could you say something?"

"-Amoeba, swine, spineless-cockroach, hairless, little shitbag, doll-"

After seconds of hesitation Misato said, "I love you... so much."

She was lying. Badly.

Makoto smiled.

Misato withdrew her fingers from various points of hemorrhaging, and grabbed both of his hands into her own. She rose from her spot on the floor next to him and said, "I'll miss you."

She did not know if these words were true. Slowly she brought her face closer to his and planted a soft kiss on his lips. When she pulled back, Makoto's entire body liquefied to a crimson flow completely drenching everyone's pants and shoes.

Misato, Kaji, and Shigeru (who had never stopped trying to plug holes) all screamed in shock.

Ritsuko, Maya, Asuka, and Shinji may have heard the sound of liquid splattering onto the floor, but otherwise were completely oblivious.

Rei and Gendo both stared unblinkingly at the sight.

Makoto's liquid spread out to cover the entirety of the floor. It flowed up the incline toward where Gendo was sitting and soaked into his socks. When it reached all four corners of the room, the blood began to flow up the walls.

Maya began to scream again as the sensation of blood soaking into her uniform on the floor, startled her from her whimpering. Shinji was finally forced to close his eyes, in order to not see what he was seeing. The sight of blood so obviously defying gravity caused Asuka to stop her barrage on Shinji. She was stunned into silence.

The blood continued flowing up the walls until it reached the edge of the ceiling. It covered that as well. Not a drop of blood from the ceiling dripped down to the ground below.

Ritsuko wiped at her mouth and looked at the ceiling in mute fear and wonderment. Everyone else followed suit. Even Maya and Shinji.

Then suddenly, all the blood flew from the walls, floor, and ceiling toward the center of the room. Even the blood that had previously been smeared across faces and soaking into clothing freed themselves from their confines and made their way toward the middle of the conference room.

The blood congealed into an amorphous mass. It moved and twisted upon itself, forming indescribable shapes and figures. Slowly the blood morphed into something… other. Its colors changed to various hues. Features formed on its exterior. It slowly took the shape of what was unmistakably a man.

That man was African American of decent. He appeared to be somewhere between the age of 16 and 19 (though his actual age was 21). He was wearing a white t-shirt with the logo of an American university, a pair of NBA shorts, and white socks. He also wore glasses, which he adjusted along the bridge of his nose for dramatic effect.

I was that man.

"Hello," I said.

Misato shot me six times in the chest and face.

* * *

The contamination room they locked me in was white and unsurprisingly sterile. There was no place for me to sit and nothing for me to play with. I like to play with things I find laying around in random places. It helps me pass the time without feeling anxious. So I pulled my watch from my pocket and began to clasp and unclasp it around my wrist. The cuffs section two had placed on me fell to the tiled floor as I effortlessly freed myself.

After several moments of playing with my watch, I decided it was time to move things along. The voice of Gendo Ikari came down to me from the loudspeaker located at the corner of the room.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"My name is I Am," I said. But then I felt somewhat guilty about the unnecessary reference to Christianity and said, "Okay, it's Fresh C."

"How did you enter NERV headquarters without being detected?"

"I was always here."

Gendo paused briefly before asking another question.

"What are you, Fresh C?"

"I am everything you've ever known."

"Are you an angel?"

"No."

"Are you human?"

"Yes."

"How did you survive being shot six times?"

"Misato did not shoot me," I said. "I'm not even here."

Again. There was a pause from Gendo.

"Where are you now?"

"In my living room."

"Where is your living room?"

"The United States of America."

"What state?"

"Too much information."

Gendo grunted his understanding.

"Why is Lieutenant Hyuga dead?"

"I wanted him dead."

"For what purpose."

"None."

"No purpose, at all?"

"Well…" I pretended to think about it for a second, but I already knew the answer. "There is one reason."

"What is that reason, Mr. C."

"To see your reaction."

In the observation room, located directly next to the contamination room, Gendo and Fuyutsuki exchanged glances.

"It's a sociopath," said Ritsuko, to no one in particular. Misato nodded her agreement.

"I am not a sociopath," I said. "I don't believe in harming people without a reason that leads toward the benefit of society as a whole."

"And yet, you killed Lieutenant Hyuga."

"I've never killed a person."

Then I grew tired of this conversation and its uninterrupted stream of dialogue. It was boring. It was not fun. It explained things much too slowly. It flowed like a snail.

Suddenly everyone who I cared about appeared in the contamination room. The list included: Gendo, Fuyutsuki, Kaji, Hikari, Toji, Kensuke, Shinji, Ritsuko, Rei, Misato, Asuka, and Maya (but only because Maya is cute). The shock of abruptly disappearing from one place and reappearing in another registered differently for each person. A series of gasps, swears, and screams filled the air. But then I silenced them so that none of them could talk.

A voice resonated in all their minds that each of them knew was not being heard by their ears. That voice was my voice. They listened to it in stunned silence.

_I like analogies, though I have no particular skill in producing them. Bear with me now as I express an idea. A central theme, if you will._

_Consider a coloring book._

_An artist creates the lines. An amateur fills in the colors. When the colors exceed the limits of the line, the picture is ruined._

_I am not an artist. Nor am I an amateur. Yet I provide the color of this world. In the past, I have filled the lines with color, hoping to shade the original artist's template in beauty. Now I seek to bend and warp the lines laid down before._

_You are my pictures, formed from a template. My colors-by-numbers masterpiece. I will bend you to your limits, but your lines I will not break._

_I will not change your thoughts, your feelings, or opinions. I will only change your situations. I will not break the template. What you become, is who you are._

Then I got tired of this pseudo-philosophical monologue and decided a change of scenery was due. We all met together floating in the bright blue sky. They formed a ring around me. _Congratulations!_

I said, "Makoto Hyuga died because his death was fun. His life was greatly undefined, and outside of death he held little meaning to any of us. So I filled him up. I poured thoughts and feelings into his rough outline of a character. And just when I was sure that we all liked him enough, I Killed him. Because I could. Because it would mean something."

Looks of shock and horror spread amongst the floating faces.

"You all have meaning to me and so you will live. And in every frozen frame of your lives, I will dig as deep inside you as I can to extract that meaning."

I smiled, but it wasn't nearly as charming or ironic as I wanted it to be.

"… Or maybe I'm just screwing with you."

And I was.

* * *

**AN: **The problem I see with most self-insets is that the author attempts to write themselves into the story as if they are a part of the world that the character's inhabit. The stories are all about someone no one cares about (the author) integrating with the characters we know and love.

This story, however, has little to do with me. It's all about the characters and their reaction to me (not as a character, but as the author of their lives). So yeah… maybe not as clever as a concept as I'd like to think it is. But I don't think I've seen it done extensively, or at least not in this particular way.

Maybe it was kinda entertaining? More to come later.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Eh… it is what it is. Enjoy.

SI Chapter 2 

Or

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Ever-Present Thrills of Life

Maya Ibuki's dreams are mundane. At night with her eyes closed, she sees floating numbers, variables, and equations. Snippets of conversations she had had with her superiors and (embarrassingly enough) her mother played before her, only slightly altered by her subconscious. Instead of Ritsuko asking about the magi, she asks if Maya ever figured out how to open the conference room door. Maya responds negatively, ashamed of her lack of progress. She says that she'll get it done as soon as possible. Ritsuko is more than understanding. "I know you'll get it," she says without a hint of disappointment, which is wonderful because Dream Maya is already disappointed enough in herself.

Her mother, however, is not so forgiving. She asks if she's seeing anybody. She's worried because a woman of her age should show _some_ interest in finding a mate. But the question in the dream is slightly altered. "Are you seeing Makoto?" she asks. "I just think you should take a chance, throw yourself out there and see Makoto before it's too late." In the dream Maya feels uncomfortable. She shifts in her seat as she holds the phone to her head. She brushes her mother off, telling her that she's got more important things to do than think about Makoto right now. She's got a life to live.

Maya realized that the obvious meaning behind these dreams should cause her distress. But her brain's subconscious attempts to deal with trauma are so boring that they can hardly be considered disturbing, much less frightening.

Maya's dreams do not scare her. At night she feels resigned to her fate. It's the mornings that set her heart racing with anxious terror. It's in the mornings that she flies.

"Hello," I said, when Maya exited her bedroom to get ready for bed. "Want to eat breakfast with me?" I was eating a bowl of Fortunate Marshmallows while sitting on her couch. I would have liked to watch TV, but the only television she owns is in her bedroom.

Maya ignored me and walked into the kitchen. She placed a bagel in her toaster and set the timer for a minute and a half. This was the perfect time for the bagel to turn crispy brown without the black scorch marks that would ruin the eating experience. Maya hummed lightly to herself as she opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a tub of strawberry flavored cream cheese. When the bagel finished toasting, she methodically spread the topping across it, ensuring that no area went uncovered. Afterwards she took a seat on a stool at her kitchen counter. The tension in her movements was almost imperceptible.

You and I watched this happen with minor interest. Perhaps it would have been more exciting if she were wearing less clothing. Perhaps something comfortable, yet loose fitting in a way that was borderline revealing. But she'd stopped wearing her sweatpants and baggy t-shirt (sans bra) out of the bedroom once I started invading her living room. She dressed each morning in full NERV uniform before leaving her room.

"Why don't you eat some Fortunate Marshmallows?" I asked. Maya used to love Fortunate Marshmallows as a kid. She stopped eating them around the time she started college. She switched to Rice Flavored Checkered-Grain Squares and Honey Pecan Donut-Shaped O's. Eventually she stopped eating cereal altogether and began to eat more solid meals, like bagels and English muffins.

"You know you want some," I said.

She took a bite of her bagel and pretended not to hear me. She's convinced herself that she no longer likes "kid's cereals" because they are too sugary for her tastes. In reality she only stopped eating them because doing so made her feel like a kid. But to admit that to herself would be even more embarrassing than liking Fortunate Marshmallows.

"They taste just like Lucky Charms," I said. This finally earned a look of confusion from Maya, who had never heard of Lucky Charms. But after mere seconds, her face returned to its former mask of forced disinterest. She looked at her watch, realized she was running a tad late, and ate her bagel with renewed vigor.

After finishing breakfast Maya made her way to the bathroom to take a shower. It was a very quick affair. She disliked that she had to change into the same clothes she was already wearing, but it was better than the alternative. She didn't want to get any of her regular clothes dirty without reason, and she definitely didn't want me to see her wearing her pajamas. She already decided that she would continue to wear her NERV uniform around the house, until she had the time to go to the store and buy some better Pajamas.

After exiting the shower, Maya made a beeline for the front door. She quickly put on her shoes and prepared to leave.

I said, "Don't forget to fly today."

She hesitated for a moment before hanging her head.

As much as Maya would like to pretend I don't exist, she's quite afraid that I'll randomly kill her.

xxxxxxxxxx

As she traveled alone among the deserted hallways of NERV, Maya allowed herself to float inches above the tiled floor. She thought that maybe she'd get used to doing this, but the peculiarity of the action never disappeared. Though the act of gliding was intuitive in the sense that simple thoughts controlled it, yet she was unable to lose herself to the novelty of it.

A part of her wanted to test the ability. She wanted to see how fast she could glide and how high she could rise, but she restrained these thoughts. She feared what would happen if I took away the powers that I had so frivolously given to her. If she flew into the sky, I might melt her wax wings and laugh as she fell. I can't say I blame her for her suspicions.

Maya carefully listened for the approach of others. She did not know what people would say if they knew she could fly and she didn't want to find out. At each and every turn of the hallway, she returned her feet to the ground and started to walk.

And so, she lived her days constantly on guard. Both needing to fly and wanting not to. Fearing all who approached her. Wondering if she was the only one tormented with powers that she didn't understand. Wondering why she was chosen for this and if I left a similar burden on anyone else. She was stuck inside a limbo of fear and inaction. Wondering and worrying, but never seeking answers.

I decided that I'd give them to her anyways.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Maya came home I greeted her with a tired, "Hi".

She looked at me with weary resignation, but otherwise did not respond.

"How was your day?" I asked. But I already knew of the tense façade she put on during work. I knew of the strain it took on her to be tasked with appeasing me by flying around and keeping herself hidden as well. I only asked because I can be a jerk like that.

"Are you afraid of me?"

Instead of answering the question, Maya headed for her bathroom door in an effort to freshen up before making dinner. She screamed shrilly at the harmless grizzly bear that appeared when she opened the door. Moving on blind instinct she ran to her front door and yanked at the doorknob futilely.

"Open the door!" she cried hysterically.

"You know," I said. "It's kind of boring when you ignore me all the time."

"I'm sorry," she cried as the bear slowly approached her. "I didn't mean it, oh god, open the door!"

I accepted the apology but refused to open the door.

"The bear is harmless," I said rubbing said bear's head behind the ears. "There's no harm in him... see?"

Reluctantly Maya pulled away from the door and backed away from me and the bear. After several moments of not being mauled to death, she finally decided that it was safe enough to take her eyes off of me and the creature. She walked into the kitchen and prepared to make some miso soup. Her hands shook violently as she gathered the various materials and her breathing was somewhat ragged.

"So…" I said after several minutes of watching her cook. She jumped at the sound of my voice. "Are you afraid of me?"

Maya took a few deep breaths before quietly muttering, "Yes."

I stroked Mr. Bear's head slowly while I sighed. I expected as much.

"Would it help if I told you that I have no plans to violently kill you?"

Maya would not look at me as she spoke. "You killed Makoto," she said with as much composure as she could muster.

I sighed once more. "Yeah, but that's out of my system now. It's not like I'm a homicidal maniac or anything."

Her words were coming easier now. She said, "You killed him in cold blood."

I frowned at the accusation. The blood was actually quite warm if I remember correctly. But I thought it would be a little too flippant to tell such a joke to her.

"Listen," I said. "I killed him because it was interesting to watch him die. Or more specifically, it was interesting to watch you and the others watching him die. But it's not like I want everyone in the world to be dead or anything. Death is pretty boring."

"Death is horrifying."

"No," I said, shaking my head for emphasis. "Finding a fully grown grizzly bear in your bathroom is horrifying. Death is simply boring."

Maya looked up at me for a moment and instantly looked back down shaking her head as well. She slowly went back to preparing her food.

"You don't believe me?" I asked.

"No," she said without looking up. She knew that I'd know if she lied.

"Do you want me to show you?"

Maya abruptly stopped stirring her pot of soup.

"No," she said, fear seeping into her voice again.

"I think I'll show you anyways."

"Please," she cried staring at me in fear. "Please…"

As she watched me the world around us slowly dissolved. The paint ran from the walls. The couch and the television melted into the floor. The spoon in Maya's hand turned to mush along with the pot it was in and the stove she was cooking on. A silent gasp of horror escaped the young woman as her world literally disappeared around her.

"Stop it," she yelled. "Please stop!"

And so I did. In that instant her apartment was gone. We both stood in a vastly empty white room with nothing surrounding us as far as the eye could see. We were no longer inside, or outside. There were no windows, no furniture, and no trees. Only white. Maya was shocked into silence.

I was saddened by the knowledge that I completely ripped this off from The Matrix.

"This is death," I said solemnly. My disappointment carried into my voice.

Maya collapsed to the flat white ground. She looked franticly around her, but only saw myself, Mr. Bear, and nothing.

"I'm dead?" she asked, her voice hitching at the end.

"No. no. no." I pointed to each of us in turn. "You, Mr. Bear, and I are alive." As if to emphasize this point Mr. Bear let out a subtle roar of agreement.

"It's the rest of the world that's dead," I said gesturing to the white abyss surrounding us. Maya shook uncontrollably as I gave her time to let this information sink in. But after a while her shaking subsided. She stared at me for the longest time, not saying a word. Minutes or perhaps even hours passed as she observed this barren world and the only other occupants in it. Eventually she looked up at me as if to say, "What now?" but the words did not come to her lips.

"See what I mean? Death is boring."

Mr. Bear growled approvingly as I scratched a sweet spot on his neck. Then for a while nothing happened.

"Do you want to pet Mr. Bear?" I asked Maya. At her hesitance I added, "Remember, he's harmless."

Even still Maya was too afraid to approach the bear. "Suit yourself," I said, and I continued my relaxed petting. Eventually Mr. Bear rolled over. I obliged him by rubbing his stomach.

Nothing happened for a long time. No wind blew. No sounds echoed. No cars drove by. No meals were eaten. No one was asleep. No giant aliens attacked mankind. Zero. Nada. Nothing.

Maya hesitantly decided to come over and pet Mr. Bear. He was happy for the second pair of scratching hands.

"What made you change your mind?" I asked.

Maya still wasn't a big fan of making eye contact with me. "There's nothing else to do."

I shrugged. "Death is boring."

"Makoto's death wasn't boring," she said.

"Seeing Makoto die wasn't boring," I corrected her. "His death is even more boring than this."

Maya's face scrunched up slightly in confusion. She didn't voice the thought, but she wondered how anything could be more boring than this.

"There's no bears in his death," I said. "Would you like me to show you?"

Maya's eyes widened in renewed terror. Before she had the chance to beg me not to do whatever I planned to do, her mouth disappeared. Her ears nose and eyes quickly followed. Her whole body was gone from the plane of whiteness. She could no longer see me or the bear. She couldn't hear the sound of me rubbing my hand against his fur. She couldn't hear my voice, or see my face. She couldn't smell his earthy fragrance. She could no longer feel the pressure of the atmosphere upon her skin, or taste her own saliva.

There was only nothing. Not even whiteness. Just nothing.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And then she was back. Back in her apartment holding a spoon loosely in her hands as she stared into a pot of boiling soup.

"Why?" she asked. Tears began to fill up in her eyes.

"Was it really so bad? It's not like anything happened."

Maya didn't respond.

"It's boring when you ignore me," I said. "But… well I suppose not as boring as death."

For a moment we were both silent. But Maya realized in that moment that true silence wasn't a lack of talking. She could still hear the sound of her soup boiling. The radiator humming in the background as it supplied heated air to the apartment. The sound of her own shallow breaths coming in and out. In that moment, she cherished those little noises more than anything in the world.

"Don't be afraid of death," I said cheerfully. "I showed you a little of what death is like, but even I can't show you the whole thing. Because when you really die there will be no one to show this to. There won't even be a 'you' to experience the boredom. There will just be… well, nothing."

Maya didn't mind looking me in the eye now. She was thankful that she even had eyes to see me.

"The world you live exists at my whim. You may not notice it, but you die a hundred times each day. Every time I'm watching TV or playing a video game, you're dead. When I'm sitting behind a computer browsing the internet and pretending to do work, you're dead. In fact, you spend more time dead than you ever have spent alive."

I paused dramatically, because I don't like long streams of uninterrupted dialogue.

"If you think about it, you really don't have any reason to fear me or hate me. Whether you do what I tell you, or whether you completely ignore me, you'll be dead soon anyways." "

Maya stared at me in utter disbelief.

"You and Makoto and your whole entire world are pretty lucky, don't you think? Death is boring. But I've given you something much better. For brief stretches of time, I grant you a reality and allow you to live."

Maya said nothing, but I never really expected her to. The world continued to move around her.

"You're welcome," I said.

xxxxxxxxxxx

The next morning Maya Ibuki opened the door to her bedroom hesitantly. She looked carefully around the room, expecting to see me. She was not terribly relieved to find that I wasn't there. It wasn't as if she missed me or wanted to see me. She was still deathly afraid of my existence, but a part of her was somewhat disappointed that I wasn't there. She wondered if I was gone for good, or if I was just waiting to surprise her when she least expected it. Ultimately it didn't matter. If I did come back to bother her, she'd deal with it when it happened. If I left her alone forever she'd deal with that too.

Putting me out of her mind, she walked into the bathroom and took a quick shower. After re-dressing in her NERV uniform, she sat down at the kitchen table and enjoyed a bowl of cereal. She had forgotten how good fortunate marshmallows could be. The morning minutes passed by quickly as they always did, and she found herself missing the time as it flew by. Who knew when or if she would ever have the chance to enjoy such morning peace again?

But she didn't waste much time dwelling on this. She would be late to work if she didn't hurry. With a practiced efficiency, she slipped on her shoes, grabbed her house keys, and made her way out of her apartment. After descending the stares and exiting the building, she clicked her heals three times for the hell of it, and flew straight up into the sky. She rose higher and higher with each passing second, laughing at the unbridled thrill of it all. The smile never left her face. Not even when she began to fall.

**AN: **This isn't the greatest writing I've ever done, but I had a lot of fun writing this anyways. I wanted to lightly explore the idea of what it means to be a character in a story… and I did. I figure what I lack in subtlety and skill, I more than make up for with grizzly bears.

Hope you enjoyed this a little. If not, it's pretty short so I didn't waste too much of your time. Tell me what you think.


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